orange_yellow

senseless art of a tortured soul

Friday, May 27, 2005

sentiments of a brick layer

Right now as I sit in front of my computer screen, writing these thoughts that I have with hold for the past month or so at two freakin forty in the goddamn morning, lots of things came to my mind.God,there’s bits and pieces of dust on my keypads, that shows how long I’ve abandoned writing and working on my pc.Ok, that is one of the things that I’ve just realise, which has nothing to do with what I was going to say.Ok, back to the main agenda.As I was saying,things like when the hell am I gonna get a freakin job, well a stabile one; anyway.What have I been doing for the past three years, so to ask?
Hrmmmmmm…..let’s see….I’ve been a production assistant on a few tv commercials for a few local production houses here in PJ(mostly freelance),later I became a designer in a pretty top of the list post production houses here in KL(well permanent this time for about well say.. nine months or so), then a freelance assistant producer in an animation house in PJ.Somewhere in the end of I dunno, say end of last year I was involved in one of Amir Mohammad’s project, a months after that well…. My most recent tvc job.Things went pretty quiet for me afrer that, and that made me sort of nervous sensing that maybe, just maybe I should give up my dream to be a director, eventually a film director.High hopes, you might say.High hopes that will hit me hard like steel magnolias when it backfires.
Sometimes, I still ask myself ‘Do dreams really do come true?Wish upon a shooting star, they say.Yes, make a wish when you see a shooting star and all your dreams will come true!’Bullocks, bullshit, crap, false hope given to someone who needs hope.Maybe that’s what I need, false hope?Hell no.Or maybe I do.It’s three nineteen in the freakin morning, my eyes are closing on me,I need to get some shuteye.Later,cheers.
Ok,maybe not for the minute I shut my eyes words just started spewing into my mind, don’t know why.I suppose it’s the way of how things are, just when you feel like hitting the sack and then Poof!Eureka! Words, thoughts and ideas all comes to you at the very unexpected moment.Hrmmmmm….you know when I was a kid back when I was still in primary school I remember writing down three choices of ambition onto that horrible blue colour looking manilla cardboard piece form or somesort.For my first choice, I wrote pengarah seni(an art director),penulis(writer) for my second and tukang masak(cheft/ a cook if directly translatored).When my form teacher saw my last and final choice, she turned to me looking rather uncertain with her eyes like a goldfish and retorted “Tukang masak??!!” I ,in returned just nodded and went back to whatever I was doing that day in class.I was in standard two, then. It’s funny how all three of those that I wrote became three of my most favourite things to do.I love art since young I suppose, maybe because I was born with it, it’s in my genes.I started to write when I was eight, my aunt taught me how to cook when I was eight and I started to take art lessons when I was eight.Eight years old was like the beginning of my journey of finding myself.
Why did I took art lessons eventhough I had it in me?My late father used to say “Eventhough you are born with art, you still have to nurture it to it’s full potential and I want you to learn the fundamentals and basics of art”And I did.From that very moment on, I decided to make art as my career.It still is now but I’m beginning to reconsider that thought.Maybe I’m not meant to be an artist, maybe something else much bigger than that.

“God has a plan for me”-simon birch-

Have you seen that movie?It touches the very bottom of your heart, doesn’t it?. Story wise, it’s really heartfelt; well, not to say that the cinematography isn’t good or the script is bad.It’s a good movie with a great aunsombre of cast.How so?Because actors bring out the essense of storytelling in a movie.Anyhow, back to as I was saying.

No, I don’t know what I’m meant to be.But I do know what I want to be, I want to be a writer and director.Is it going to happen?Maybe, maybe not.For now, what I want is to be able to put all these and many other thoughts in my head onto print so that they could be heard.Is it an invasion of privacy, you might ask?No, it’s not.
So, hey do you think that I could do that? I do not have the relevant papers for this role.I’m being very spontaneaus, here; I know.I am a pretty spontaneaus and a very at the spur of the moment kind of person.
Carpe diem, as they always say.

A wholotta bitchin goin on...

Words which comes out from a person’s mouth is important. Especially if that person is a friend of yours. If your friend tells you this “So all we need to do right now is sit down and look through your folio, see what you can do and that’s all to it!”
Those words gave me hope which sets off my expectation that there is a very high chance of me getting the job. If you weren’t sure of that statement in the first place then you shouldn’t have said it in the first place. It’s ironic, the next time I called my friend this was what he said…
“I can’t promise you anything at the moment, we only get one or two jobs per month”
Thanks a lot for those encouraging words. It will be much help. BULLOCKS.
I really was hoping to get the job, fulltime anyway hopefully next month, but hey… looks like it’s another wishful thinking flushed down the toilet, into the sewers. BLADY MARVELLOUS.
Another one of my so-called friend calls me up and told me that there’s a shoot coming up and that I’m short listed as the AD,good.Here’s my break..or I thought it was.Come a week later my friend called me up and told me that the job is on, said that he’ll fill me in about it.
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT??!!!!
First he told me that job is definitely his and I will be the AD.There wasn’t any pre-pro nor there were any prep meetings.It felt like it was all a hoax just to psyche me up.MOTHERFUCKER.
False hope.That’s all there is in this superficial dynasty of creative content.Friends who are suppose to help you out end up being the reversal of things.No, these are not my friends.These are just acquaintances whom I got to know throughout the years.If giving out the wrong assumptions and false hope is bad, the next incident is worse.
This other acquaintance of mine from this pretty renowned production house ask me if I could help out with the casting of this particular ad and I agreed.The next few days later, I went to his office to meet up with him.He made me waste two whole hours and in the end he said that he has to go for recce therefore he wouldn’t be able to see me regarding on the talents.
Worst thing is, when I saw those ads on tv, I text him to say it looked good, job well done.Gratitude is not in this bloke’s vocabulary.He has the decency to ask me if I do wardrobe asst.I’m thinking.. what am i?Some substitude stand in for your goddamn big budget ad??!!!!This is also the same bloke who told me that they are looking for someone as a fulltime tech support person and in the end he regretfully told that the position is unavailable due to some admin reconstructuring technicality.PURE BS.Can’t these blady bastards make up their goddamn minds, really.Please don’t beat around the bushes when you yourself know that your stupid ass has always been where it always has been.It’s like looking for the bull when you yourself is already on the fregin saddle.
“hey.. do you know where my bull is???wei uknow where my bull is ah???”
“eh, you blady idiot, you’re sitting on one…HHEELLOOO??!!!!!”

No further questions.Even Paris Hilton is not that dumb, flaky, yes.
Sad to say that people in this industry all mostly arseholes despite the fact that you’d think that they are your so-called friend.I suppose they just want to have their own nice little arses covered up nice and tight so nothing will be bared.They take one look at you and cringed at the thought of baring their arses just so you could be apart of their so-called fast paced glamourous lifestyle.I don’t want their lifestyle, I just want a job.A chance for me to proof myself and the world that I can be a good filmmaker.Part of my passion has been crushed because of these facieses.
Nevertheless, I do hope that a minority of them has good manners.No, I’d not give my dream.I’ll just have to keep on trying and look much harder through those nook and cranny.

Me,mok and milo ais.

Conversations of a barely breathing soul with an articulate soundman.


Most people would say that life’s a bitch till you die,it’s not entirely true.Actually , life itself is a living hell thus when you are in hell,it would seem like heaven and heaven would be an oblivion.As I am writing this, it is one thirtyseven in the morning.No I’m not high and no I’m not insomniac.
I just felt like writing.Anyhow, back to what I was saying.
Life is a living hell.I am the living proof of that statement.Five long years has past since I got my ambitious arse out of the creative instituition and as ironic as it may seemed, the goals that I’ve set out for myself has not been achieved yet.By now, I already am an art director but sadly, I am not.Five more years for me to achieve my goals.I am wondering that if time really do waits for no man.The fact is, they don’t.No, I’m not worried about getting old.I’m worried that by the time I turn thirty, I’m still not where I’m suppose to be.By thirty, I would at least made something out of myself.Infact, each ticking moment of time, each grain of sand trickling down the funnel,each night and day of my life is passing by,fast.It’s a horrible thought.You know how they say that it’s a whole new world to explore once you’re out of college,it’s pure BS.BULLOCKS.People in this line will totally abuse your talent.One thing’s for sure ; cheap labour.Everyone loves it.Save cost, full usage.Killing half a dozen birds or more with one tiny pebble, not even a stone, mind you.
I was talking to a very good friend of mine one late night over milo ais andbasically I was feeling like shit.I was telling him how fuct up my life has became since the beginning of the year, the fact that I was un-employed since october of last year, there were one or two shoots I was on but that was it.I was in a rut.Broke down and cried.Crying won’t do much but it did some good to my soul.I finally got into some freelance graphic jobs which doesn’t pay well and constant.Fact is there wasn’t any b/w and that was one of my mistake.Anyhow, I am lost and this other shit happened..as if I need another piece of shit in my life.Some guy’s missus called me up thinking I was one of her husband’s infidels.The only reason I called the guy was for some fast cash job but I did not take it in the end.In the end I called up one of my friend who gave me this guy’s number and gave him a piece of my mind and told him to clear the misunderstood situation.Aside from that, these jokers I’m freelancing for is delaying my pay with some really, really unacceptable excuses.Eventually later that week they paid me, 60% less of what they should have but hey, at least they paid me.Like I said earlier I felt really really FUCT UP.SO this was what my friend , Mok said.
“May, try to strip off every bad thing that ever happened to you and every crap job you’ve encountered…and add on new parts onto the ruins of your life.”
I was lost for a moment.More like dumb-be-founded.I had to ask him for his definition of what he had just said.
“What do you actually mean by that?”At this point, I do feel like a dumb blonde.I’m not.
“Y’know that show on MTV called PIMP MY RIDE?Imagine that you’re this old rusted VW, you take off everything that needs to be replaced.. strip man!Strip the paint, the wheels… the doors..the windows… the engine until what is left of you is just the skeleton, the chasis.From there, you reconstruct yourself into a brand new VW.In other words,take all the negative points and occurance, thrash them far..far away and gather the positivity to form a brand new you”
I liked what he said.It makes sense and I agree with what he had said.Sometimes, I don’t really know how he got these ideas but it works for me, twice.Mok’s a manager of his very own sound studio which he set up on his own two years ago and it’s still running well until today.
No, he ain’t no messiah,he’s just a very good friend of mine who has his own way of putting things into perspective.

Quarterlife manifestation

quarterlife is somewhat like a manifestation of life.It infest you,then it leave you hanging high & dry.It may be a rollercoaster which just gone berserk or it may be just another phase where everyone goes through.In one month’s time from yesterday, which was the 5th of April I will hit the big _ of my life.Do I care?Maybe.There is no fear of turning the big three O, of how I’d look nor how much weight I will gain.It is the fear of not becoming what I wanted to 5 years ago, which is to be a filmmaker.Relationship is my second prior to my career,which is a cross between hanging on loose thread and jumping off the edge of a very high cliff.I am not close to succeeding nor am I close to loosing faith in myself.Well, there were times when I did break down, several times ; mind you.If there was to blame , I suppose there are a whole lot of reasonable clauses.One of them is the goddamn ignorrant attitude those bloody mofos production houses in Msia has.Pipeline is one thing and keeping your word to the unsung heroes is one big giant problem.To us getting paid on time with the correct amount and title of job is the utmost important matter.I mean, we worked our asses off for you and this is how you treat us?Probably to some,it’s just how they brush us off by saying “Oh… just pay her and then she won’t bug us about her cheque.What job she was on?Erm…I dunno lah…just write that Telekom & DIGI job lah….she won’t notice wan lah.She didn’t do a very good job on Fanta anyway.So yea, just write the Telekom & DIGI job lah.Huh..?claims for petrol ah?No need lah..Ok..next agenda…”qoute and unqoute, that was crude.But that’sjust how it works in KL.Therefore I rest my case.Mistreating & abusing peopleis just not the right ettiquette.Hence I’m trying to land myself a job in Melbourne or Sdney.All I need is luck,perseverance and a wholotta good timing.My noble & sweet cousin, Marissa told me that I don’t need luck.She said that I’ve talent and that’s all I’ll ever need to succeed.Maybe.I do have confidence in myself but I am a subtle person, yes I am believe it or not when it comes to showing off my skills & talent.If I were loud , I’d say that to all those film directors in Msia, I CAN KICK YOUR ASSES ANYDAY,ANYTIME, ANYWHERE!!!!!! For I am GOD.
But I won’t.I know I can but as they say keep your friends close but your enemy closer.To me I’ll probably do as I am told but I am inferior to their commands; inside me, within me.I do wear a mask all the time, just to make them think that they are right but actually what I have in mind is way much better than theirs.I’d probably develop my own version and show it when the time is right.Timing is everything.They probably think that I am nobody now.Just some chick who knows only this teeny weenie much.Let them think that they are superior…for now.One fine day , when I rise, they who has shun upon me shall bow down before me , waiting for my bid.Man, I sound really arrogant don’t I? Nah, it ain’t arrogance.Just a little pride.Wonder when that one fine day shall come , I wonder.God has a plan for everyone as they say.BULLOCKS.
What you may become in the near future is what you make of yourself now, not some wishful thinking, not miracles and most certainly NOT GOD.I rest my case.Now, I’m doing something which I less fancy for the sake of financial survival.Freelance graphics.Im subconciously a slave for the rejects & the demented.REALLY.If you’ve seen the crap that I have to put up with, it’s beyond the doubt that if something better comes along, I would have made a straight run for it.But for the time being, I am taking SHIT.Don’t take no shit, huh..?Sometimes, you just have to.I remind myself that the only reason I’m withstanding all these pain is that in the end of the day , I will get paid for I need the BENJAMINS, urgently.It’s not an option that I would most likely choose, but it is an option that I just have to take.It’s an obligation.I take no joy in them.Im repressing myself , Im forcing myself to regurgitate my food, literally speaking.SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.Yea well.. you don’t say..you don’t say.Life is not a bitch.Life is a living hell and when you do die..
hell will only be like heaven.

Silent misery

I sat in silence
I sat in silence in the dark
As tears begin to roll down my cheek
My eyes floods with salty liquid we call tears
I sat in the darkness
I sat in the darkness and cried
I did not know why I cried
I cried alone in the darkness

I cried of the torments of life
I cried for the choices that each of one of us have to make in life
A choice that might change one’s life forever
I cried of the happiness that I have found in him
I cried of the sorrow that I will have if and when I leave this land
I cried until my bed was wet with tears
I cried until there wasn’t a single tear left
I cried until my eyes are dried
As dry as the cracks in the deserts grounds
Being blown by the strong winds that came from the south
Strong winds that will blow me away bringing me into the clear blue skies
Carrying me higher into the clouds
White clouds
Blue skies
It seemed so much at peace up here
But alas the wind died
And I fell
I fell through the layers of clouds
I fell watching blue and white blurring images before my eyes
I fell and fell and fell
Not knowing when I will land
Nor where I will land
Will I land safely
Or will I land on dangerous ground

I closed my eyes tightly
I closed them so thight until tears begin to flow out again
I feel tears rolling down my hot cheeks
It felt cold as it ran down to my bare neck
I opened my eyes
I found myself back to where I was
In the darkness
All alone in the darkness
Alone again.
All alone in the darkness
Sitting in the dark
As I sang out my silent misery.

Heaven and earth

Thunder pelted
Lightning splashed in the sky
Through the clouds of roaring beasts
Drops of rain fell
As it got heavier, density evolved
Here down below
I stood, soaked to the bone
Under the evacuation of water
Showered upon me
Hard stinging thorns of evil
Screwed through my skin
As I slowly dissintergrated
Melting
Into coarse liquid embalment
As fine as the desert sand
And as dense as melted glucose
Crystal clear
Flwoing through terrains of souls
Entwined like roots of a labyrinth
Pouring and powering the soil
As seeds of a new beginning
Were washed, torn and dissolved
Into molecules of invisible atoms
I felt distortion
Weeping through eyes of tortured souls
I see evil, I hear evil
Yet evil fails to become me
I was eaten swallowed by monstrous beings
Being endeavoured, being smothered
By a thick fog of nothingness
I was shattered, unspeakably foreseen
It was unevitable
Denial grew
As white maggots crawl upon my shell
Fortune was sow into me
I fought, I cried
With all my heart and soul
I overcome by a glow
A white aura protude from within me
I was indestructable
As evil and unspeakable humanity
Were wiped out
As a storm of divinity
Spread across land and sea
I stood upon the high edge
As I witness the magic
The beauty of nature
Let the power of divine love
Enclose the door to undevoted humanity
As the land now rest
Lay in peace and harmony.

Scarred One

Alone
His speech was written
No matter when
No matter what
We will always be alone
I will always be alone
Be it if I have someone
Be it if I have comrades
It all coms dwon to one
Solitary
Oneself, one being
One.
I want to be with thou
Yet I know it is not all day all night
My mind upturned the heart
My heart overules my mind
In this moment
I do not want to think
Think of not
Feel of nothingness
Fear of not what I say
Yet fear is what I feel
How yet would I approach it
I would have no matter of a mind
Sad but true
Faith lies within me
Thus I lay down
And shut my eyes
I rest.

Do you ever wonder

Do you ever wonder
Wondered if there were misread conceptions
Conceptions of mutual fondness
Fondness and admiration for a soul
A soul who is almost four seasons after you
You then seem to be able to relate to this soul
This soul so young yet comprehends your mind, your heart
Your heart that you’ve thought given out to, was treasured
Treasured and cherished like it meant the the world to him
Alas, yet to him
To him it was just a hunger for companionship
An etophiam to him if he’d ever fall for thee
Doubtfulness and dissapointment envelopes me
As it was being thrown over
And pushed into my hearth
As all were spoken from the heart
As all were secrets shared from the inner soul
As all the closeness that made bond
Were only myths,an aftermath of one night
Which will only exist within that period of time
Never shall such epic will ever occur again
For I suppose that it was just
Just for that matter of time
Oh why oh why was I such a fool
A fool to think such foolish thoughts
Thoughts that somehow, someway
Someway,
A flow of amethys stars were conjured
Yet I now know
I knew that a brick has fell
As thye wall tumbles down upon me
I feel the pain, agony and sorrow
As I now realise that fate
Fate was never meant to be for the both of us
Yet I wondered
Wondered if this soul’s heart
Had ever felt any fondness
And warmth towards me
Like the earth and the skies
I doubt it
For I am just another lost misfortune soul
Falling out of love, a failure at love
Nevertheless, I shall not prevail
For failure is a beginning of a new journey
Now I rest, now I pray
For divine love
As pure as innocence
As I lay myself down
And close my eyes
As the day awaits for my awakening.

Bittersweet

Darkness engulfed my body
As guilt tore upon my soul
Within I felt
A killer of the innocence
The sinner of angels
For I’ve yet killed
A pulse beating
A heart of one’s soul.
My body lay limp
My heart is tainted
My soul is stained
All of memory remains
Is a bittersweet love
Comprehension beyond doubts
As acid nuetralised
Warmth turned cold
Thus friends turn fiend
As heart turned stone.

strawberry swirls

Strawberry swirls and passion fruit jelly
Turning round and round
Melted lava and hot scorching coals
Flowing down my head
Bright orange river
Like hot orange juice flowing down
Flowing down a very black river
A river so black it smelt of death
Vanilla skies and pink flying ostriches
Dancing dandelions and floating babies
Feels like a kaleidoscope of marbled coloured rice
I am drowning
In a pool of melted caramel and lemon drops
A champagne supernova shoots across the sky
Bursting into sparks of multicoloured lights
My limbs are numb
My mind is sedated
My eyes shutting down like an automated door
Where is my mind
I’ve misplaced my mind somewhere in the realm
Of twisted reality
Reality seemed like a blur to me
As I now closed my eyes
And lay to rest
I rest my eyes
I rest my mind.

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